I am a closeted bisexual South Asian woman pharmacist, and after 42 years on this earth, I have decided to finally share my story, anonymously.
My feelings for girls started at a young age, but I dismissed them because my religion and culture did not accept them. At that time, acting on these feelings meant risking disownment and abandonment by my family and society. There was also the fear that if the person I had feelings for did not feel the same way, they might expose my ‘disgusting actions’ to my family. This created a very hard and confusing time in my childhood, as I feared rejection and abandonment. This struggle continued into my young adult life, where I had to endure being introduced to suitable boys for marriage, a part of the arranged marriage culture I grew up in.
I had no desire to get married. I wanted to focus on my career, be successful on my own, and be independent in case my truth ever came out. The idea of leading a typical Indian wife’s life didn’t appeal to me and I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to marry a man or a woman, though the latter wasn’t even an option at the time. I needed to explore my sexuality, but cultural norms as a South Asian woman at university scared me into not exploring it, fearing judgment and lack of acceptance.
In my last year of university, I met a wonderful woman. We got together and stayed together for many years in secret, only telling our very close circle of friends. I didn’t tell anyone at work because pharmacy is a small world, full of South Asians, and I feared being found out. As I got older and passed the typical marriage age of my early 30s, my extended family started suspecting and making comments like, “You better bring home a guy, not a girl”, without even asking if what they’d heard or suspected was true. This was very distressing because I knew that one day my truth would be exposed by my extended family. My parents also started receiving anonymous letters made from cut-out newspaper letters spelling out “your daughter is a lesbian” and similar messages. I identify as bisexual, not lesbian, but this concept was beyond their understanding. I suspected an extended family member of sending the letters but had no proof, which turned out to be a significant mistake.
A few years ago, my fears came true. Due to other extended family issues, I was used as a scapegoat and falsely accused of accusing a family member of sending the letters. Consequently, I was outed to my parents via a WhatsApp group message. We have since cut off contact with those toxic extended family members and are much better off without them in our lives. I am very fortunate that my parents accept me and did not disown me.
Understanding myself and reflecting on my journey
Just after I was outed, my 17-year relationship ended and I moved back in with my parents, who welcomed me with open arms. Now, I am rebuilding my life. I am still exploring my sexuality, as I was in such a long-term relationship with a woman, and I am trying to understand myself better as I start a new life in my 40s.
Reflecting on my journey, I am passionate about helping others avoid the injustice and prejudice I faced. The fears that resonate with most South Asian LGBT+ people came true for me. With time and healing, I hope to open up more about my sexuality and be my authentic self, as it is a part of me and my identity. One day, I hope the fear of judgment and abandonment will cease. For now, I have taken the first step in telling my story.
I am also trying to connect with others to share and learn from our collective experiences. I hope to do more to contribute and support others going through similar experiences. I have found it difficult to find and connect with relevant groups that resonate with me and my situation. Therefore, I am keen to help unite people, so they don’t feel alone in their unique struggles, and encourage others to join the PDA’s LGBT+ Network.
Get involved
- Join the PDA LGBT+ Network here.
- Follow the PDA LGBT+ Network on social media using the hashtag #PDAlgbt
- Contact the PDA LGBT+ Network committee by emailing lgbt@the-pda.org
Not yet a PDA member?
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Membership is FREE to pharmacy students, trainee pharmacists, and for the first three months of being newly qualified.
Read about our key member benefits here.